Releasing Judgement

I’d like to start with a quick recap of what has been shared so far in my other blog posts –

A quick win way to uplift your spirits is by adding joy into your everyday life. This can be done by writing out a list of things you enjoy doing and each day adding some of those joys into what you do. It is most beneficial if you take the time to really notice your enjoyment of these activities. You can read more about adding joy to your day in post titled, Day 1

Next, start being aware of the way you talk to yourself. Are you kind and uplifting or often speaking negative about yourself? Once you are aware of the ways you speak to yourself, start asking why you say those things about you and to you. And then, start saying nice things to yourself in the mirror and throughout the day. Check out my blog post called, speak kindly to yourself , to read more on this.

Ok, so now that we are all caught up let’s move onto my next tidbit to share – judging others. I am really focusing on the judging we do inside our own heads.

It can come out in many different forms: commenting something rude about someone’s outfit, thinking someone is wearing too much make-up/not enough make-up, making fun of someone for them going out on a limb and trying something new, thinking the hobby they enjoy is stupid, or rolling your internal eyes because they asked something dumb in a meeting. It can also manifest itself by making you believe that everyone is judging you, or giving you dirty looks, or talking about you behind your back.

First, what someone else enjoys doing, likes to wear, feels comfortable in is not about me in any possible way. I do not think a single person in this world other than myself wakes up and considers me before themselves in what they should wear. Even my husband, while he may want to wear something he knows I like, it is still about what he feels best in. It is still all about him first, which is how it should be.

What is about me is my need to cast judgement or be rude about them or their choices inside my own head. Once I became aware of how I was speaking to myself I started to become much more aware of the sometimes small, sometimes large judgements I would cast towards others. This is a reflection only of my own character and more often than I still care to admit, my own insecurities.

Now, I do joke around a lot; I have a dry and rather sarcastic sense of humor and I joke about myself and others quite often but there is a difference between my making jokes and the judgmental thoughts. I am pretty sure when you are honest with yourself you can also differentiate between all-in-actual-good-fun joking and being petty and mean, even if it stays in our own minds.

Let me take a bit of a left turn, but stay with me, it will all come around. I firmly believe humans are selfish, every single one of us in some way is selfish and I am willing to bet most people, when being totally honest, want to make a change in life to benefit themselves. You want to feel better, to look better, to be happier, to improve relationships…. whatever it is, at the core it is about you. And I think that is how it should be.

Now before everyone gets up in arms, I am using selfish slightly against its actual definition and want to know why? Because the English language doesn’t have a word for filling your cup, making sure you take care of you, and putting yourself first but we do talk all the time about making sure you do care for yourself, that you can’t pour from an empty cup, etc. But yet, when writing this I tried to find a word that is not negative in meaning like selfish is and the only ones I can find were things like: self-involved, smug, narcissistic, self-absorbed, and the list goes on and on. But yet, I can’t give enough to others if I have nothing for myself. I freaking adore my family, my kids are my world and I love them about as hard as any mom you could ever find. I have an amazing relationship with them and I am pretty sure they adore me back; they are my biggest cheerleaders and treat me amazingly and me taking care of me, wanting to feel my best, being a bit selfish to make sure I take care of my mind, body, and soul is not negative, it is quite positive. As a mother, I have always felt the expectation that is put on me is to be selfless when it comes to my family, to completely sacrifice all of me for them and then what? I would end up as a shell of a person brimming with resentment, anger, and sadness. So, I believe in being selfish, only because I don’t have any other word to use for it. And you should learn to be a bit selfish too. Maybe you read my suggestion to add moments of joy to your day and don’t see when or how you could ever find the time and the time is there, make the time for you, your family will actually be so much better because of it. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.

(side note: if there is a word for this and my English language and Google skills are just remarkably poor, please let me know in the comments. All about growth, people! Even in my vocabulary.)

So, that said, here’s a secret to life I believe wholeheartedly, what is going on in the inside is mirrored right back to you by the world. Your perceptions of life and reality are all framed by your beliefs and how you are treating yourself and others inside that wonderful mind of yours. What you think you are doing secretly inside your own head, these thoughts and feelings you are releasing out around you do affect your world.

Second, I learned that people aren’t overly concerned with what I do or what I wear, and the ones that are silently (or not silently…) judging me are dealing with their own inner stuff and it has nothing to do with me. It is also not my business what someone else thinks of me. This is a very freeing concept because my world is shaped by my perceptions and if I walk out of the house feeling like a million bucks, I look fantastic and am shining bright like a damn diamond….I don’t give a flying hoot what Suzie down the block thinks of me. Because here is the next secret: the better you feel about yourself, the nicer you speak about you to you, the nicer all the thoughts inside your head become. The moment you focus on you, bettering you, improving you, healing you is the moment that shifts in that beautiful brain of yours starts to see others in a much more positive light.

I still have these thoughts; I still see something or am having a crappy day and will catch these thoughts but it is nothing more than another opportunity to become more curious about myself. Why is this popping up? Is this person doing anything that actually affects me or my life? 99% of the time that I ask myself these questions I immediately notice something really nice about the person, it is like my brain gave myself a little hand slap and now I need to make it up. But once one lovely thought comes in about someone I automatically feel more at peace and easily move on with my day. We are striving for positive change and growth, not perfectionism and we certainly will not speak poorly to ourselves for a slip of the mind.

The message from my blog on speaking kind to yourself is true here as well – we can only change something once we have become aware of it. So, pat yourself on the back when you become aware of things about yourself you would like to change, wanting to be a better person and/or changing habits you have is a commendable trait and you should feel good about it.

Until next time, I wish you the best